Take 1:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She took one look at me, threw the bike to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said to me, 'Take what you want' , so I did."
The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Take 2
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take 3
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Take 4
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Take 5
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Take 6
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer
said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."
Take 7
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look,
I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking
frog, now that's cool."
"Well, Bill" said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.
Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God.
"That was the screen saver!"
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