The Secret To A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,

'That's once'."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said,

'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said,

'That's once'. "

"And we lived happily ever after."

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Man vs Woman

Alright, this is for all those ladies who have been complaining 

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife werehaving some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on apiece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knewshe would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he hadmissed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn'twoken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,"It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a countryroad for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to anargument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband askedsarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"

WOMEN'SREVENGE

"Cash, check orcharge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television setin her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shoppingwith me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to himlegally."

W O R D S

A husband read an article tohis wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeateverything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day,"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the sametime.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain…..

God made mebeautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOESWHAT

A man and his wife werehaving an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then wedon't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and youshould do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for mycoffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible thatthe man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched theBible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says ..........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but remember, there isalways a rough draft before the masterpiece!!!

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One Liners

 1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

 

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

 

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

 

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

 

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

 

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

 

7. Born free, taxed to death.

 

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

 

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

 

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have troubleputting on

your pants.

 

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

 

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

 

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper trayand the

blinking red light.  

 

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy whoinvented the

other three, he was the genius.

 

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there toappreciate it.

 

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

 

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

 

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

 

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

 

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

 

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

 

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

 

25. Someday is not a day of the week

 

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

 

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

 

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

 

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neitherdoes Milk.

 

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't needit. 

  

And  At  Last   ... 

 

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,fattening or

married to someone else.

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The Guys' Rules

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Finally , the guys' side of the story.
I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Employee Benefits

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Questions to George Bush

 George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

 "Bob".

 "And what is your question, Bob?"

 "I have 3 questions.

 First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

 And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

 Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 When they resume, Bush says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

 A different little boy puts up his hand .

 George points him out and asks him what his name is.

 "Steve"

 "And what is your question, Steve?"

 "I have 5 questions.

 First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

 Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

 Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

 And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

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You are living in 2008

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of  3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that theydon't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone ishome to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turnaround to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

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