The Secret To A Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,

'That's once'."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said,

'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said,

'That's once'. "

"And we lived happily ever after."

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Man vs Woman

Alright, this is for all those ladies who have been complaining 

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife werehaving some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake himat 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on apiece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knewshe would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he hadmissed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn'twoken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,"It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a countryroad for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to anargument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband askedsarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"

WOMEN'SREVENGE

"Cash, check orcharge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television setin her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shoppingwith me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to himlegally."

W O R D S

A husband read an article tohis wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeateverything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day,"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the sametime.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain…..

God made mebeautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOESWHAT

A man and his wife werehaving an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then wedon't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and youshould do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for mycoffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible thatthe man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched theBible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,that it indeed says ..........."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but remember, there isalways a rough draft before the masterpiece!!!

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One Liners

 1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

 

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

 

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

 

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

 

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

 

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

 

7. Born free, taxed to death.

 

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

 

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

 

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

 

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have troubleputting on

your pants.

 

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

 

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

 

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper trayand the

blinking red light.  

 

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy whoinvented the

other three, he was the genius.

 

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there toappreciate it.

 

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

 

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

 

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

 

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

 

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

 

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

 

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

 

25. Someday is not a day of the week

 

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

 

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

 

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

 

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neitherdoes Milk.

 

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't needit. 

  

And  At  Last   ... 

 

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,fattening or

married to someone else.

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The Guys' Rules

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Finally , the guys' side of the story.
I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Employee Benefits

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Questions to George Bush

 George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

 "Bob".

 "And what is your question, Bob?"

 "I have 3 questions.

 First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

 And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

 Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 When they resume, Bush says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

 A different little boy puts up his hand .

 George points him out and asks him what his name is.

 "Steve"

 "And what is your question, Steve?"

 "I have 5 questions.

 First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

 Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

 Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

 Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

 And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

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You are living in 2008

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of  3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that theydon't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone ishome to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turnaround to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

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Every husbands dream?

A woman awakes duringthe night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front ofhim.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair besidehim.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear fromhis cheek and said,



"I would have been released today!"   :( :(

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Why Men are never depressed

 

Men Are Just Happier People, What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time! 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 

Your underwear is $7.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, may be decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck. 

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

No wonder men are happier.

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Opportunity in Adversity

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

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Some T-Shirt Quotes

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Girlfriend To Wife Upgrade

I have upgraded girlfriend to wife

 

 

 

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0  : )

Dear Tech Support Team:  

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes thattook up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all otherprograms and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. Ican't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the backgroundwhile attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

 Please help!

 Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

 

 

 

REPLY:

 

 

 

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinkingthat   it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creatorto   run EVERYTHING!! !

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to  Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files fromthe   system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 isdesigned   not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual underWarnings-Alimony- Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the  environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"to   alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the commandC:\APOLOGIZE   because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZEcommand before the  system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0,Cook 1.5     and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very carefulhow   you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system tolaunch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 isto purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, installSecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife1.0   and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Add static pages to Blogger blog

Do you have a blog at blogger.com ? If yes, than a lot of times you might have felt the need to have a page whithin your blog.

To check out details on how to add static pages to your blogger.com blogs, Go HERE.

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Mens Perspective

True is it?

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What
does a woman want? - Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.  

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.'

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't.'  

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.  

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have
mine.'

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

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